AshleyWilliamson (anwrootbeer) wrote,


where to begin?

- my 19th birthday is in 3 days.
+ i move in 29 days.
-/+ I with drawled from one of my classes leaving me with 4 now.
++ i quit my job at Dunkin Donuts.
+------ im down to losing 95 pounds (and counting!!)
~I havent touched my fix in 2 weeks from today.
-+=1234567890-=/?  and I just put my ex boyfriend in jail.

Im alittle scared to move back to Pines.

old friends are gone down there, but making more is looking pretty cool.
pretty hard, but pretty cool.
my old friends wouldnt understand me now any ways.

my mentality on life has changed, my lifestyle, and my attitude on issues would just scare, surprise, and dislike me now.
but i am what i am.
i am who i am.
and i do what i do.

no one down there understands.
its like I want people to know what Ive been up to, why Im really moving back, and whats really going through my head.

but i know it would only cause worrieness, rumors, and assumtions.

im not jealous for how great your lives have been going on.
but im still not going to conform to yours when i move back either.

get drunk, work at hooters, and wear skanky clothes.
you obviously love it, live it, and look good in them.
nothing will ever be the same.

were not friends, and we never will be again.

your lives in Pines are becoming one big cycle.
same kids from high school, same hang outs, and same clicks.

but whom am i to judge?
and im not, because what ive been doing up here is nothing to brag about either.
just because i put you down does not make me think im better than you.
i just think you kids can do better.

my life, my feelings and thoughts are not even worthy of talking about.

because you will all judge me, spread stuff around me between your friends, and will always throw my business back into my face.

I want people to know, I want help, and I know there are some friends who will help me and talk to me about it.

but then I get scared, who can I really trust?

this shit is scary, serious, and my life,

I dont want anyone to know.
I just want someone to talk to and to understand.

its hard doing this all own my own.

fighting everyday to not to call him, to not see him, to not want to get fucked up, skip school, and call in work.
but everyday it really is getting easier and easier.

Im fine.
I really am.

and if Im not fine now, I will be someday.

things will get better.
dont give up.
and better yet, dont give in.

Im starting to love my inside.
but the whole outside is another story.
I need to just love myself, inside and out.
being ok with being alone, being ok with being "average" weight, and being ok with not having any friends for a while.

ive hooked up with two guys this week.
they both have girlfriends.
why cant i find anyone single?
why cant i find anyone who likes me for me not for my outside appearance.

guys think im so pretty.
i dont see it at all.
im not modest.
im insecure.
im just confident.
i hate being me.
but then i love being me.

i have a lot to offer.

youre so pretty.
youre so innocent.
youre so shy.

if these guys only knew---they really couldnt handle me.
im a horndog, I love chicken wingz, football, and only drink Steel Reserves (211)
and im a huuuuuuuuuuuuge druggie.

"i can find you adderall...just dont think im a drug addict" lol wtf?
oh you kids are so naive and have no idea.
its just so cute yet frustrating to have to deal with you kids.

i want you to want me.
i need you to need me.
and i beg you to love me.






Birthday Bonanza @ mi casa on Saturday.
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